I don't want to be a bad sponge

[edited]

I do not know. Perhaps I am feeling rather weird as of late. I do not know. I am not depressed, far from it. I feel that I am ready to go. You may ask, How do you mean? What do you mean? Are you sure what you are talking about?

I will talk about what I mean. And, am I sure? I am not sure. Yes, I am confronting death. The issue at least. My logic is not simple, and it is a feeling really rather than an opinion.

I look back at my life. I have reflected on things. Do you know what, I consider myself being very fortunate and lucky. For that, I thank Allah for that. I have been blessed with so many things, for which that was not the case for my parents, or parents of my parents.

I have been blessed with many good moments. I was not born with silver spoon, somehow I manage to maneuver my way to get the best of education, with that, I charted the path to secure some of the rewarding jobs if not the best-paid job. When I talk about rewarding, yes, monetary (maybe) is one little aspect of it, but the ability to prove that we can stand as tall as other citizen of the globe. You know you have a rewarding job when you come home late and still feeling content and satisfied.

With the job I have got, I have been able to see the world - for which I believe, the top part of the family tree was not able to. For that I endlessly thank Allah and of course my parents for investing their patience and time on education. If I was asked at the age of 6, would I be in Africa, or Spain or South America doing the work that I did or still doing now? The answer was going to be a plain no. But, the job and work have taken me places.

Not that many people are privileged to be in the position. Then again, "privilege" is an over-rated word in the life I lead - at the same time, not many people are privileged to be able to memorise which airlines is the best to go to certain parts of the world, at what time? Which airlines have the loyalty programme? Which airport has reclining chair to rest and it is for free! You get all fidgety (a little impatient) when in you are line at the airport security, some people before you are not prepared at all - when you are all liquidless beltless, coinless, watchless ready to make an entrance! It all comes in a package, until to certain extent it is a curse and no longer a privilege when you realise it is costing you your back and spine, and not to mention private life.

For all these, I am thankful. Alhamdulillah.

Looking back - I have been blessed with a close-knit family that takes care of the bond beyond anything else. Along the way, I hope that I have made them proud, and secretly I hope some have been impacted with what I have done. I like that. Perhaps I start with the family rather than trying to be role model to others, for which I feel those are too big of shoes I need to fill. Enough with my siblings. Thankfully, my distance apart from them has only brought us closer. Every time we get to talk, it feels like every single second is cherished.

As much as I have been blesses with many things - I have yet to undergo some other experiences that other people get to experience. While many of friends at my age have a family they can call their own, I am still on my own. Funny enough, I am rather content. I do not know what I am missing from not having kids to greet me at the door once I am home from work, or what it is like to miss a wife when I am abroad - well, hey I can't win everything. I have never felt short of love. I am loved and I have love to offer.

The subject of love - I love to lend a help, where ever possible, whenever appropriate. Do not get me wrong. It takes me a few states of denial to come to term with the fact that I would drop things to help people that matter to me - it can be friends, or family members.

Now, let's get back to this weird feeling of ready to leave. There is a saying, or was it not a saying - when you are at the top, it is time to ease out or away, when it is at the best form. That is how I feel, sometimes. For some strange reasons, life has a lot to offer, and it has offered me a lot too. I have been this sponge, taking it in, and taking it in - endlessly. But, I do not feel that I am a selfish soul, for I give back as much as I can, in whatever form. Perhaps the feeling that I have lately has something to do with the "sponge effect". I don't want to be sponge. I do not want to become villain sponge - absorbing endlessly. Hence, I want to stop.

But, looking through the lines on this page - yes I have been receiving a lot and I have been trying to give back too. All that I have to do now is not to stop thanking Him for what I am blessed with. That is the way forward I guess. But I will keep on glancing at the issue from time to time, I like to keep my feet close to the ground while my hands stretched out high!